Marriage Advice from the Big Horn Sheep

My husband and I were only 3 months married when we became pregnant with our first child.  Still reeling in the bliss of being newlyweds, that excitement and energy quickly flowed into the dreams of starting a new family.  We now have two little ones and just slightly less than 4 years of marriage under our belts.  In no uncertain terms we are still “babies” at this marriage thing. 

I never thought much about the toll children take on a marriage.  In abstract ways before becoming a Mom, I imagined it would be a process of self-sacrifice that you would go through as you become responsible for another life…but I never thought much about how children challenge the dynamic of your marriage relationship. 

I deeply believe that at the core of a true marital love is deep generosity. 

The decision to love this other person in our thoughts, words and actions even when the ‘feelings’ aren’t there.  Even when you are tired and feeling selfish.  When you are busy and overwhelmed.  When you have your own ideas of where you want your life to be headed.  At all these hundreds of moments every day you are given the opportunity to love your spouse and do what is in their best interest.

But now, with children, I have never felt so needy.  So stretched beyond my capacity.  So exhausted from giving and giving.  So aware of my own limitations and pride.  So tapped out. 

And it is at this point I find myself most challenged in staying generous, compassionate, and loving toward my husband.  I want to become a child myself again and scream I NEED… I WANT… ME ME ME. 

Here is where the big horn sheep come into the picture (did you think that was just a clever headline trick?).  Big horn sheep live on the slopes of steep mountains.  They traverse these mountains on razor thin paths etched all around the mountain sides.  They also can not walk backward, only forward.  So what happens when two sheep are walking along the same path in opposite directions and bump face first into each other?

If they fought, one would surely die as he would have to be thrown from the path.  They can not walk backward and the path is far too thin for both to be on at once. 

The only option is for one to lay down. 

The other, then can cross on top, leaving both unscathed, safe and ready to continue on their way.

When I feel that tightness begin to rise up in me and I want to lash out and demand that my needs be cared for in my marriage, I am often reminded of the big horn sheep.  If I give myself time to settle down and be honest, I can calm the raging storm inside that says I have to demand and fight for my own way, force my needs to be taken care of…and follow the paradoxical truth that if I lay myself down, then I will actually be saving myself and my marriage in the process.


Comments

21 responses to “Marriage Advice from the Big Horn Sheep”

  1. Quite possibly the best marriage advice ever. Oh how I needed that one!

  2. This is the most vulnerable & honest post I’ve read from anyone in a long time. I know you are right but that doesn’t mean the “laying down part” ever comes easily to me. This same lesson can/should be applied to other relationships too as I’ve been experiencing this past week. Thanks Lisa.

  3. wow lisa! your words are so honest and true! i love the metaphor!

  4. Lisa,

    Wow…I can feel your pain!

    My children are grown now and to be honest my wife did most of the child raising. But I did make sure that she had some time for herself so that she could go out and do something with me or some of her friends. You need to SCHEDULE that every week so that you maintain your sanity. You can’t be a good mother if you don’t take care of yourself.

    Good luck!

  5. Andrea, Kika, Jenn– thank you for your kind and supportive words!

    Roger–Yes! It is so true– taking time to fill my cup is so essential- and remembering all the things my husband does so I can give myself the time and refueling I need goes a LONG way toward staying in a loving attitude!

  6. I love your writing, Lisa.

    Marriage and children are the most beautiful challenge in our world – so worth it, but requiring everything. I need to do some laying down myself.

    Jamie

  7. Just beautiful.
    Thank you.
    Lisa Rae

  8. That is a beautiful picture of love in marriage…very, very good advice! And as always, you say it so well. 🙂 Thank you for posting this…

  9. You are amazing writer – I chose your blog for a kreative blogger award! See my blog for details. Thanks for being a guest poster too!

  10. Wow. From a stressed out, tired mum feeling like there is not much more left of me to give and wondering if my marriage will be able to handle to dents the child rearing years put into it…that is amazing advice. Basically, suck it up and keep going with love. But so much better worded so that I heard it and felt it. Thank you.

  11. That is such a lovely image – one i will remember & yes it certainly applies to marriage

  12. Big generosity to accept him/her the way he/she is. Don’t compare and make negative statement. The marriage should a foundation built together.

  13. Maestra4 Avatar
    Maestra4

    This is the most helpful advice I heard in a while…It helps visualize our daily misunderstandings and how to get over them. So often we stress our needs w/o realizing the needs of our partner…And to see that so many people “feel” it; that we are not the only ones to go through marriage/family obstacles is simply consoling and reassuring that perhaps we are normal after all…

  14. Wow. I clicked over here from simplemom.com and as I was scrolling through, I found this post. This hit me like a bullet between the eyes.

    If only I had read this yesterday.

    I am going to print it out and keep it close to me. Thank you, thank you for this honest and inspiring blog. I think I’ll be subscribing…

  15. Rita de Cassia Avatar
    Rita de Cassia

    That is so very true. What a lovely metaphor. I have been in that situation so many times. This is the second text I read here and I’m thrilled with your writing! I still don’t have children but we have been planning. I will keep tuned with your beautiful and inspiring blog!

  16. Sabrina Avatar
    Sabrina

    I burst into tears reading this post. We were pregnant 3 months after marriage, too – with twins. So much of those 1st years we were locked in a battle on a steep cliff. I, too, believe that the key to any long term relationship is in the laying down. However, it seems to me that often there is one party in a relationship doing a lot of the laying down. A year after your original post, do you have any further insight or thoughts on the Big Horn Sheep method of Marriage Survival? Thank you for sharing. (I came here from SouleMama, I think.)

    1. Oh Sabrina, I can feel your heart coming through this comment. Of course I don’t know your unique situation, but I’d submit that laying down is never meant to mean being hurt or taken advantage of…but if laying down (even if it seems you are the one always doing it) is a way to love and heal than it heals both hearts regardless of who initiates it.
      Much to think about.
      Sending a hug.

  17. Jackie s Avatar
    Jackie s

    I too got pregnant 3 months after we got married. And we were very young to be married (19 and 24)..and i now have a 2.5 year old. I can relate so much to this post. I am usually the one “laying down” so he can do what he wants. As i speak hes sleeping in for 3 hours on a saturday, and will do e same everyday of every day he has off work. It is hard a lot of the time, being the one laying down, but i feel it will one day even out when my son gets older.

  18. Jackie,
    I’m so glad you took a moment to comment- I think your point is so very important. I feel strongly that the laying down has to be a shared thing- both people need to do their share of laying down. Where I think it gets tricky is that the *ways* I lay down for my husband are different than the ways he lays down for me. And sometimes I’m so busy focused on how I lay down and trying to show him that he doesn’t do the exact same laying down that I do that I miss the ways he is actually doing his own offerings and sacrifice for me and the family.

    Of course every relationship is different and there are way too many times that there really is an imbalance but I also believe sometimes it is that we simply have our own “giving” language (like our own love language via a vi Gary Chapman’s work)…and then we look for gifts back in the same language…and sometimes the gifts we get back are in a different language.

    I hope this makes a bit of sense- I actually did a whole webinar on this in the membership site because I really believe it is crucial that we learn not only to love one another in the process of raising kids (which is waaaay different terrain) but also that we begin to understand HOW each of us needs love (needs to be shown the laying down).

  19. Emily Avatar
    Emily

    Im struggling to find the balance between creating healthy boundaries so that I don’t feel taken advantage and knowing when I can lay down, and not feel resentful in doing so. I know I can’t take care of a family if I am depleted. I know I need to take care of myself so that I can care for them- so how do I balance having my needs met and laying down? Not sure how to do it!!!

  20. It sounds like you would really enjoy and tap into the beauty in the book “Real Love,” by Greg Baer. I’ve found it to be life-transforming for me 🙂

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